How to write a reflection

three minute read

Commemorating special events is a passion of mine.

In grade 6 we were all asked to write two things that we’d like to see changed in our school. Back then it was radical to ask children to contribute in a substantial way like that. As happens, most kids wrote that they wanted a swimming pool and a new principal.

Sometimes we don’t truly know someone’s deepest intentions until we push back a little and then see where they stand. Well, we kids responded to the task with light-hearted cheek. Mostly because we were not at all prepared or primed to believe our thoughts were more than words on a page. Who’d takes us seriously?

So when the school responded by putting aside the afternoon sessions and inviting the principal in, we knew our voices were being heard. In this second chance to speak the teaches created a beautiful environment in the classroom where a candle was lit, the blinds were pulled down, and we all sat around on the floor, even the principal. She said how she felt about our notes and shared her hopes for us and for our learning.

I don’t remember the details but I remember the kindness, authenticity and love that was present. And my surprise we didn’t get in trouble. We got love instead.

Since then, I’ve been a big fan of ceremony, especially one that comes from a real need.

During lockdowns I have hosted yoga soirées in response to the feeling of aloneness. Friends come together in wellbeing practices and see each other in their most radiant light.

This is the Reflection Guide I give clients.

What is a reflection?

Writing a reflection means taking some quiet time to connect to the soul’s voice within. Once heard, we naturally feel a deeper connection to the soulfulness of other.

Usually it is written down as a paragraph or two and shared with others in a specially formed group that come together under a clear intention.

What should it consist of?

• Gentle honesty. A feeling of freedom & safety. Truthfulness. Kindness. Your own ‘voice.’

• Taking care so that any material that feels a bit raw, can arise and land in a safe and kind place.

• The best reflections often come from a radical acceptance of things as they are, without the overlay of trying to fix or change anything.

• Oftentimes there is an acknowledgement of obstacles and gratitude for their deep lessons.

What shouldn’t it consist of?

The reflection is ready to be shared when it is free from unprocessed material. Unless it is named as such and the author feels comfortable to share it. Because the purpose of a reflection is to shed the light of our consciousness on what would otherwise be left in the shadows unchecked.

You can think of a reflection as a way to clear and uplift the energy. One might say that a reflection will shift the energy from low vibration / frequency to a higher vibration / frequency.

We don’t have to bare our soul to touch the hearts of others and feel the joy of human connection.

In contemplation we use writing so we can ‘spill it all out’, then craft and redraft. This is the act of consciously redirecting the story. We enter that sacred moment where we can infuse the construction of our thoughts with our highest intentions. Cerebral, yes, but with Heart.

Our deeper, truer self can then shine through what would have been unconscious fears, desires and distractions.

The rule is: Nothing to hide, nothing to defend, nothing to prove.

Why is it so very useful?

The power of a reflection, written down and shared among a group is to make your heartfelt intentions - for yourself and your life - come true.

~~~

Instructions I give yoga soirée participants

I’ll give you an example from the Yoga Soirée’s I hold for the Bride to Be.

To conclude the ceremony I ask each participant to write their wish for the Bride. Here are the instructions:

“Write something that you wish for her. Not something for her to change or become. Think of an internal state that you wish for her to feel in this present moment. Imagine you are completing -with one single word - the phrase

“I am Bride to Be, and in this moment I feel ……(x)….”

Her support crew usually write words like: calm, relief, confident, delighted, joyful

This is important because in some instances the groom is not fully admired by all the women, and they might have written things like “ Be strong and don’t put up with anything!”

But we can see how that is loaded in unprocessed judgment. “Confident” might be a more supportive word to offer in this case.

Tip: if you feel you are no good with words or with writing, just pause and listen inward and chose one single word that summaries your intention. A truthful word that aligns with your deepest intention will resonate in some way from your being into each sentence.

You are weaving the heart-words that make up your reflection and that is gift to self and to others.

All the best,

Katie

Trauma stories - The day I bit my classmate

transforming traumatic experiences

2 minute read

In primary school I bit a classmate on the hand. The next day I was called to the principal’s office where I was reprimanded unfairly. I felt alone and without a voice.

This is what had happened the day before: two of my classmates had decided to capture me at recess and drag me around the yard, this way and that. They would not let me go and they would not tell me why.

I was wily enough to steer us toward the teacher on yard duty. Words of pleading left my mouth. To my disbelief he waved us away and told us to play somewhere else.

I could not understand how he did not know the gravity of my situation, worsened now that I had tried to dob them in!

I had pasted a pained smile on my face; maybe to keep things light or protect me in some way. Still I thought that of course he would see through that. But he didn't.

Now we know the trauma responses are fight, flight, freeze and fawn. This was the fawn response - the one where pretend to go along with the attacker / abuser to placate them - and it was meant to protect me.

Surely he saw all the other body language: my red face, the pain behind the smile? My sunken heart?

Eventually I decided to fight back. I dragged them both to the ground then bit one of the hands that held my wrist and fought my way free. The bell rang and I was back in the safety of the classroom.

I loved school and was fond of the Principal. This was just a small blip.

But the teacher on yard duty I never forgave.

Because of this incident, even as a 5th grader I was drawn to the world of observation and reflection on the nature of the human psyche. And each injustice since has called me deeper and deeper into a fuller sense of self and life.

"Trauma can break us, or it can break us open"

I could even thank this incident for giving me a profession that brings engagement and affinity with others into my life. I never want anyone to have their distress overlooked or be so profoundly misread.

As a therapist my role is to be available to the whole of a person. Not just what is being presented. When we use insight, look a little deeper and ask the right questions, we build connections rather than break them.

There have been may moments of powerlessness for many of us through the covid waves.
I don't have a one size fits all answer.

But I know it helps to acknowledge when something is traumatic and to shine a gentle light on it, in good time, and perhaps even with another whom we know we can trust.

Let's do the hard thing and be a soft place for each other to land.

With love and high hopes for our futures,

Katie

Trauma Stories - How to shore up a friendship so that our triggers are welcome too.

transforming traumatic experiences

Our triggers are generally not logical, and that’s O.K. Friendship may be the best place to find our triggers and to own their shadowy, unacceptableness, without damaging the love.

I remember meeting with my friend for coffee. We had recently graduated from Uni and I was working a real job for the first time. As we ordered I blurted out “I’ll pay. I’m rich”. I was feeling generous and celebratory and I love to be a bit cheeky too.

She knew my years of poverty, struggle and isolation, and she had been a friend for me through those times, so in that context I presumed a certain robustness in our friendship. One that could handle me being a tad exuberant.

But something in her expression changed and I remember our connection for the rest of that day felt strained.

A few years later our friendship ended. Probably because of many small things left unsaid.

What was left unsaid? They were tiny discomforts we don’t feel we have a right to express. Or feelings we won’t own up to because we can’t understand why they arise, uninvited.

How do I know this little thing I once said was a significant trigger? Well, we met up for what would be our last coffee together and as we ordered she said, “I’ll pay. I’m rich.”

~~~

Another story from my past.

A treasured friend and fellow yogi accompanied me to Van Gogh’s exhibition in Melbourne. On our walk home I was deep and found myself reflecting on the expansiveness of mind that opens in us through yoga. My friend was expressing her amazement at the artist’s unique genius.

I offered the thought that we all have that ability, really. Our love for the artist is based on a recognition that the artist’s brilliance is our own.

I thought I was speaking into a welcoming space. I though our understanding of yoga was as wide open as our vast love for each other.

She exclaimed, “So you think you could paint like that?!”

I don’t remember how I responded. I only remember feeling the narrowness of her question. As an empath I felt my body tighten in response to the changes in her voice, eyes and her body movements.

For her our friendship hit a little bump in that interaction. It was as though what I represented to her suddenly no longer fit in box A and I was transferred to box B without consideration or trail. A few more of these little unresolved pebbles and she suddenly and irrevocably withdrew her friendship.

So what were these little bumps? And how do they damage the love?

We could say they are nothing more than a conversation. Something said and responded to with something unsaid. But a lot was said in ways other than words: through body language, facial expression and the feeling something had been swept under a rug.

When a button is pressed I know it is not JUST a conversation. The brain shifts gear as the body goes into fight and flight mode. We move outside of our nervous system’s “window of tolerance” and there is an inexplicable sparking off of shame, blame, self doubt along with inconceivable sensitivities. These are past traumas that have been left within us. And unprocessed they hijack us and jeopardise new and loving relationships. We can’t admit how we feel because we don’t know how we feel. We can’t ask for what we need, because we feel we don’t deserve it.

In the presence of my friendship the love is vast.

My robustness is unending. My triggers are not your fault.

I wish my friend would have trusted me with her reaction. I would offer acknowledgement and respect. No reaction is wrong. It is what we do with them that matters. I aim to offer open-hearted care and gentleness. I don’t know what happened for her. I just know that I was not given the opportunity to respond.

In a trusting relationship we can show each other our defensiveness, ugliness, rage, irrationality and vulnerability, and be sure that it is all welcome.

Because when the dust settles there is something beautiful ready to reveal itself. A memory in the process of being healed. A hurt in the process of being heard.

~~~

My huge shift…. Closing the kitchen cupboards

A time came when I chose to share exactly what I felt rather than be defensive.

While the above story of me announcing ‘I'll pay, I’m rich” or the one about Van Gogh, are perhaps about things unsaid, this story is about speaking up.

My beautiful boyfriend would ask me to close the cupboard doors after I opened them.

My response was to argue.

Clearly he was right and reasonable.

But a part of me wanted to be seen and heard. I didn’t know what part of me or why. I just knew that I was not prepped nor was I ready to change that behaviour. So I defended and argued.

I said things like…

“I’m in the middle of putting things away”

“I’m going to use it again in a second”

“You close it yourself since it bothers you”

Our relationship and the clear presence of joy was much more valuable to me than the open/closed status of the cupboards, so I quickly took a look at myself.

I decided it was my job to look into what I was defending and why.

So I turned my attention inward and asked myself: Why do I feel hurt?

And from that one precise question everything else came to light in its own good time.

The process for me was: Look for the underlying feeling and name it.*

HURT.

I felt hurt.

O.K well let’s take a second to understand where that hurt comes from: What happened in the past? What stories I have built around it?

In the mud and yuk I at last found the gleaming gem: “He’s going to see I am broken and reject me. I don’t deserve him, I can’t even do basic everyday things right like close a cupboard”.

Having named, processed and integrated this thought along with my personal history, I felt liberated.

I then chose to close the cupboards, which I did again and again and again. Each time was a reclaiming of my life. It was now my act of powerful rebellion against my past and against ignorance and fear.

I was not broken or bad. I was in-deed free.

Learned behaviours can change. And in a supportive context it can feel gooooood.

Robust friendships will have many beat changes and melody shifts which is why I find them so groovy.

Giving each other the right kind of space so our spiky bits look cute.

The final step was to share some of the shadow stories with Jorge (yes, he became my husband). I could trust him to see my hurt and to be interested in the core beliefs behind my behaviour. He was touched by what I shared and something in him softened too.

I now have an army of friends who are willing to dance in the shadows with me. Their willingness to remain instead of run in fear, gives me that chance to be an open field of acceptance when their shadows strike. Now, my own ugliness, wounds, triggers and irrational ways are free to come to light and no one need be unhinged by the experience.

~~~

* Additional note from a book I’m reading today (22/2/22)

Empathy is not connecting to an experience.

Empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.

Brené Brown Dare to Lead

Trauma stories… that’s not trauma

Too much sun or too little water: trauma through imposition or through neglect

I remember years ago being surprised when a friend said she was traumatised by the process of bringing up her daughter. I thought ‘trauma’ was a big word when referring to being tired or at times overwhelmed.

She decided one child was enough and 25 years on she was able to joke, reflect and open up.

But is trauma a big word? Or is it appropriate given what the mind and emotions face?

The big three traumas we often think of are:

• A physical trauma like an illness or accident that ends up in the E.R.

• Trauma from assault, sexual abuse, emotional/mental abuse.

• PTSD veterans of war / refugee displacement

But from the perspective of the body, all trauma is some insult to the delicate balance of the nervous system.

It is an assault to our system that is registered in the body. It is an internal experience.

So one does not have to have fought a war or had a dramatic event occur in their lives.

Each of us has our own homeostasis, a way of feeling that feels ‘kinda right’. You have a certain amount of energy, clarity of mind, regularity of breath that feels like you. Like normal life.

When that gets a jolt, or a series of small but unrelenting jolts, finding your balance can be more than just tricky.

It can feel like being a kite untethered and floating wildly and uncontrollably in the wind. Anxieties are quick to arise but can also take root. You might start to withdraw and limit your interactions with the world, or act out and take on big project and new ventures to avoid quieter feelings. You might experience excessive worry or interrupted sleep.

Trauma can be the result of

• workplace bullying,

• a lack of good connection with the people who reside in your home,

• death of someone you love,

• exclusion from your own society (currently vaccine mandates are a cause of trauma)

• child custody arrangements,

• a robbery,

• getting fired / being dropped from a romance.

So never discount what you are feeling and the need for deep and skilful care just because there was no “dramatic event”.

As a body centred experience, trauma is often best managed with a body-centred approach. One that acknowledges the violation felt to both Self and the nervous system (including the adrenal glands and other aspects of the endocrine system).

Bringing the body into therapy is enriching and one I recommend. Whether exhausted from parenting, work, or meeting more challenging shocks to the system, taking time for deep healing really does matter.

Here are my top 3 guides to body centred trauma therapy:

1. Start where you are

   There is no need to go outside of your current experience more than is totally comfortable. Avoid complex breath practices or challenging yoga poses. Calm the system with what works and feels good both during and after. Have a teacher that can skilfully read this.

2. Take a fluid approach

   While structure can be good when we are looking for reassurance, be willing to try something if it feels right. One client needed to exhale loudly out the mouth rather than slow and long through the nose, and we adjusted the practice that day to suit.

3. Use the earth

The first session with me usually involves feeling supported by the earth in profound and reassuring ways. We lie comfortably on the yoga mat and through gentle, simple movements, bring fluid into the connective tissues of the body (fascia) to restore a sense of wholeness.

I look forward to meeting your nervous system, to welcoming the whole of who you are and proving a deep feeling of calming stability that uplifts the spirit. The path is there and it has been walked a thousand times before. It is ready for you.

Let meditation be a surprise.

1 minute read

Many of us feel that meditation is a good idea yet we wonder why we are not meditating. I have a treat for you. Here’s a trick I use to help myself and my students meditate. It is a practice called "Where I Am" meditation. Close your eyes and listen to the video above.

We might feel that we have to launch into meditation floating like Buddha, but that is the end point not the start. You can instead start from the familiar place you are already in.

We welcome any emotion, posture and distraction, just as they are. All are welcome. If you can't be bothered turning off the screen you’re using that's fine. Slide into meditation with the electronic device on, and in a few minutes things might shift.

The discipline and unnaturalness of sitting upright can be an obstacle to meditation.

Allowing your familiar holding patterns can be helpful. It softens the mental and emotional barriers. Meaning….your tension is there to hold, help and serve you which is why it is unnatural to let those tight shoulders and knitted eyebrows relax. Let your shoulders be as they are. Let your eye brows knit til their hearts content!

Once we become a little more still and can listen to what is around and within us, we can have fresh insight into what's actually going on. Insight transforms us. It is one of the cherished gifts of meditation.

Our physical posture has clues for us. Our body tells us what we need.
It can tell us how we feel, what we fear and what we are perpetuating. We may decide we'd like to turn off the visual noise of the electronic device after a little while.

Tuning into what you are actually feeling is already a heroic act. Let's make it as easy as we can. Gentle listening is the technique. We can avoid imposed discipline.

"Where I am" is not only a radical place of acceptance, it also makes you a detective and helps you take the measure of how you're going through your day: Did that second coffee overwhelm my system? Are my shoulders tense because of responsibilities I feel I must bear?

I recommend one listens to their mind-body state with softness and warmth. Where we ARE holds so many wondrous gems.

Flow around conflict with a simple A S K

7 minute read

Conflict is distressing for all of us in some way. The physical reaction of stress can obscure our view and have us actually dumb down so our thinking capacity struggles to serve us.

A simple technique that you practice and trust can be a life saver.

A technique I use is to… A.S.K.

“Is this thought…

A - Accurate?
S - Supportive?
K - Kindred?”

When distress enters the situation you can always a.s.k.

A.S.K. keeps us open-minded, enquiring and clear.

The brain chemistry of ASK-ing is very different to that of proving, blaming and defending.

This process is like rising above the fog and getting a breath of fresh air.

‘Accurate VIew’ is the first step for a reason.

Having the right information means we avoid dead alleys and heading up circular pathways.

Here is a story how an executive client, got value from asking “Is this thought ACCURATE?”

He came to me wanting advice about a colleague. This colleague had ignored a clear request he had made in an email to her. She was the contact representing a large and important arm of the organisation.

The detective in me got to work.

I asked to look at the email he sent and at the colleague’s response. I noticed three things:

1. Although she had emailed straight back, it did not address his request.

2. His request was written somewhere in the middle of the email which is the spot where most people no longer pay attention.

3. She had replied to other aspects of the email in a courteous way.

So we went back to step 1 and simply emailed back asking if she had seen his request. We sought accurate information rather than guess work. The response was a quick ‘ no’. She had rushed through and missed the request, for which she now apologised and then she provided the information needed.

Problem averted.

We simply paused, sought accurate information and moved forward from there.

The technique:

1. Put in front of your vision a single thought which may be an assumption.

2. Check the facts to see if that assumption holds true.

You can see how being accurate also helps the second step “Is this thought Supportive?” because being on the same page and understanding each other is the working conditions you want.

“Supportive” has us clarify our deepest, truest intention

S - Is this thought SUPPORTIVE?
When we ask this question we open our mind to specifically ask:

How do these thoughts support where I want to head? How do they support the current situation? How do they support the emotional needs of myself and those involved?

K - Is their KINSHIP?
If we see all of life’s adventures are a calling toward Kinship, then we value relationship over money, we value the person more than we value being right. There are seeds of conflict - like seeking justice - that can obscure our view of what matters.

If I pull my lens to its widest view, I see the new economy as one of positive regard between people. An expansion of Kindship across the globe. Not only does your value go up if you are someone who can stay connected by navigating rough terrain, and maintain relationships over time, but so does the quality of your own life. Each time someone decides to employ your skills again or invites you to another holiday, you are being seen, valued and trusted.

I value being seen, valued and trusted more than money, status and being right.

And of course, Kindred includes the word Kind. Am I coming from a place of open hearted acceptance and kindness for myself and others? We can include kindness toward any mistakes or feelings of regret we may have.

If the answer is ‘no I am not at all open hearted!’ then that is good. Take a pause. It can be troublesome if you try to think through the negative emotions.

Some techniques to shake off or shift the feelings are: move, walk, play with animals or observe them in play, be among uplifting people and those whose wisdom you deeply admire.

That is usually a good step toward feeling centred, thinking more objectively and being open to transformation.

When there is genuinely a lack of kinship it can be a clear sign that the resolution will come from the termination of the relationship rather than its repair.

When winding things up we also use the ASK process. Remember, not everyone has to be included in your realm of interaction.

~~~

Going deeper

If you’d like to go deeper, here are some stories and insights I’ve had with the A.S.K. technique.

~~~

Some more activities to get ACCURATE:

• Ask someone a question to understand a situation more clearly.

• Identify where you have attributed negative intent* but have no evidence to back your assessment of the inner world of another.

• Name your prejudices and fears to see how they obscure the situation.

Accurate - it includes more than dry facts

I often think of this Accuracy part as similar to Edward de Bono’s white hat in the 6 thinking hats technique.

Edward de Bono’s 6 thinking hats

The white hat means we are simply looking for facts, data and information. Other hats are: emotions (red hat), negation (black hat), an overview of the whole affair (blue hat), generating for solutions (green hat), positives (yellow hat).

However, the white hat of information does not cover the whole realm of Accurate.

Accurate certainly can include the emotional landscape of the situation. Like the work of Marshall Rosenberg, it addresses people’s inner needs*.

We may explore:

How deeply one is invested?

How scared one is of a certain outcome?

Where key parties feel stuck and can’t see a way forward?

If we can accurately assess:

• the way each stake holder is feeing about aspects of the situation

we can address

• the internal fires that are behind-the-scene fueling conflict in the situation.

Here’s a story about Susie looking inward accurately

Owning your rackets

Susie was often heard saying “I am always giving. Once gain I’ve given too much” . Susie was asked to look and identify what the pay offs have been each time she has “given”. She identified payoff like “I get to avoid conflict’ and “I get to appear nice” and “I don’t have to take responsibilty”.

So really she is running a racket where something is happening behind the scenes that is very different to the shop front.

Rackets are “a repetitive emotional display lacking authenticity”

Because her giving was inauthentic it was unsustainable. It often ended up in sudden and unfair assertion of new found boundaries.

It is common thing to pull the rug on others to “restore the scales of justice”. So Susie can identify how poor boundaries and a need to be seen as nice contributed to the situation.

Have you ever seen the pattern:

~ expose yourself to Oppression

~ the injustice fuels Anger

~ anger gives energy for Action

~ act to affirm Boundaries in an oppressive manner

This is a racket that can be transformed once accurately identified.

I will leave you to flesh out the next two steps: Is this thought Supportive?

Is this thought Kindren?

Taking a look in and changing our internal state really does change our perception of the situation.

The ASK process allows us to take heart in our own inner motives and trust ourself. Whether the situation resolves or stays sticky, we can at best be proud of the role we played.

I wish you ease around the discomfort, an ability to pause and see what is present, and the knowledge that this, like all things, will pass.

~~~

Resources

This article explains rackets in a deep and intense way. I use the definition “a repetitive emotional display lacking authenticity”

What does attributing negative intent mean?

An overview of Mashall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication

The Work, Byron Katie deals with asking questions to illuminate and free us.

Kinship “Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.”—The Harvard Study of Adult Development, 2017

Note: The fellow that made up this acronym wrote a book on Resilience which is somewhere on a library bookshelf, however I do not recall his name. I simply changed K to refer to Kindred instead of Kindness. I thank him and hope his insights help others as they have enlightened me.

Marshall B. Rosenberg