7 minute read

Conflict is distressing for all of us in some way. The physical reaction of stress can obscure our view and have us actually dumb down so our thinking capacity struggles to serve us.

A simple technique that you practice and trust can be a life saver.

A technique I use is to… A.S.K.

“Is this thought…

A - Accurate?
S - Supportive?
K - Kindred?”

When distress enters the situation you can always a.s.k.

A.S.K. keeps us open-minded, enquiring and clear.

The brain chemistry of ASK-ing is very different to that of proving, blaming and defending.

This process is like rising above the fog and getting a breath of fresh air.

‘Accurate VIew’ is the first step for a reason.

Having the right information means we avoid dead alleys and heading up circular pathways.

Here is a story how an executive client, got value from asking “Is this thought ACCURATE?”

He came to me wanting advice about a colleague. This colleague had ignored a clear request he had made in an email to her. She was the contact representing a large and important arm of the organisation.

The detective in me got to work.

I asked to look at the email he sent and at the colleague’s response. I noticed three things:

Although she had emailed straight back, it did not address his request.
His request was written somewhere in the middle of the email which is the spot where most people no longer pay attention.
She had replied to other aspects of the email in a courteous way.

So we went back to step 1 and simply emailed back asking if she had seen his request. We sought accurate information rather than guess work. The response was a quick ‘ no’. She had rushed through and missed the request, for which she now apologised and then she provided the information needed.

Problem averted.

We simply paused, sought accurate information and moved forward from there.

The technique:

Put in front of your vision a single thought which may be an assumption.
Check the facts to see if that assumption holds true.

You can see how being accurate also helps the second step “Is this thought Supportive?” because being on the same page and understanding each other is the working conditions you want.

“Supportive” has us clarify our deepest, truest intention

S - Is this thought SUPPORTIVE?
When we ask this question we open our mind to specifically ask:

How do these thoughts support where I want to head? How do they support the current situation? How do they support the emotional needs of myself and those involved?

K - Is their KINSHIP?
If we see all of life’s adventures are a calling toward Kinship, then we value relationship over money, we value the person more than we value being right. There are seeds of conflict - like seeking justice - that can obscure our view of what matters.

If I pull my lens to its widest view, I see the new economy as one of positive regard between people. An expansion of Kindship across the globe. Not only does your value go up if you are someone who can stay connected by navigating rough terrain, and maintain relationships over time, but so does the quality of your own life. Each time someone decides to employ your skills again or invites you to another holiday, you are being seen, valued and trusted.

I value being seen, valued and trusted more than money, status and being right.

And of course, Kindred includes the word Kind. Am I coming from a place of open hearted acceptance and kindness for myself and others? We can include kindness toward any mistakes or feelings of regret we may have.

If the answer is ‘no I am not at all open hearted!’ then that is good. Take a pause. It can be troublesome if you try to think through the negative emotions.

Some techniques to shake off or shift the feelings are: move, walk, play with animals or observe them in play, be among uplifting people and those whose wisdom you deeply admire.

That is usually a good step toward feeling centred, thinking more objectively and being open to transformation.

When there is genuinely a lack of kinship it can be a clear sign that the resolution will come from the termination of the relationship rather than its repair.

When winding things up we also use the ASK process. Remember, not everyone has to be included in your realm of interaction.

~~~

Going deeper

If you’d like to go deeper, here are some stories and insights I’ve had with the A.S.K. technique.

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Some more activities to get ACCURATE:

Ask someone a question to understand a situation more clearly.
Identify where you have attributed negative intent* but have no evidence to back your assessment of the inner world of another.
Name your prejudices and fears to see how they obscure the situation.

Accurate - it includes more than dry facts

I often think of this Accuracy part as similar to Edward de Bono’s white hat in the 6 thinking hats technique.

The white hat means we are simply looking for facts, data and information. Other hats are: emotions (red hat), negation (black hat), an overview of the whole affair (blue hat), generating for solutions (green hat), positives (yellow hat).

However, the white hat of information does not cover the whole realm of Accurate.

Accurate certainly can include the emotional landscape of the situation. Like the work of Marshall Rosenberg, it addresses people’s inner needs*.

We may explore:

How deeply one is invested?

How scared one is of a certain outcome?

Where key parties feel stuck and can’t see a way forward?

If we can accurately assess:

the way each stake holder is feeing about aspects of the situation

we can address

the internal fires that are behind-the-scene fueling conflict in the situation.

Here’s a story about Susie looking inward accurately

Owning your rackets

Susie was often heard saying “I am always giving. Once gain I’ve given too much” . Susie was asked to look and identify what the pay offs have been each time she has “given”. She identified payoff like “I get to avoid conflict’ and “I get to appear nice” and “I don’t have to take responsibilty”.

So really she is running a racket where something is happening behind the scenes that is very different to the shop front.

Rackets are “a repetitive emotional display lacking authenticity”

Because her giving was inauthentic it was unsustainable. It often ended up in sudden and unfair assertion of new found boundaries.

It is common thing to pull the rug on others to “restore the scales of justice”. So Susie can identify how poor boundaries and a need to be seen as nice contributed to the situation.

Have you ever seen the pattern:

~ expose yourself to Oppression

~ the injustice fuels Anger

~ anger gives energy for Action

~ act to affirm Boundaries in an oppressive manner

This is a racket that can be transformed once accurately identified.

I will leave you to flesh out the next two steps: Is this thought Supportive?

Is this thought Kindren?

Taking a look in and changing our internal state really does change our perception of the situation.

The ASK process allows us to take heart in our own inner motives and trust ourself. Whether the situation resolves or stays sticky, we can at best be proud of the role we played.

I wish you ease around the discomfort, an ability to pause and see what is present, and the knowledge that this, like all things, will pass.

~~~

Resources

This article explains rackets in a deep and intense way. I use the definition “a repetitive emotional display lacking authenticity”

What does attributing negative intent mean?

An overview of Mashall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication

The Work, Byron Katie deals with asking questions to illuminate and free us.

Kinship “Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.”—The Harvard Study of Adult Development, 2017

Note: The fellow that made up this acronym wrote a book on Resilience which is somewhere on a library bookshelf, however I do not recall his name. I simply changed K to refer to Kindred instead of Kindness. I thank him and hope his insights help others as they have enlightened me.