2 minute read
One of the joys of starting the new year is we get to say good-bye to the past. I particularly like to do it with just enough reflection to know I am somehow a little wiser from the experiences I faced.
A big lesson for me was that my ideas of socially acceptable norms are not the reality for those around me. Particularly in the area of communication.
I had the brutal shock of being fired from a yoga school I was teaching at. For me it was normal to ask question about the pay rate, especially when a complex system was being used to calculate it. I also presumed it would be normal for the employer to mange a conversation so that the outcome is satisfactory for all. If there were factors I was unaware of, like emotional buttons being pressed, then I assumed I’d be told “I’m not comfortable talking about this now. Can we take a look at it in a week?”
(Just writing this down now I am thinking “Whoa. How presumptuous am I!”)
I wanted to presume that we would behave in this situation as we had in the past. My employer and I had problem-solved and found a way forward together in the past, finding flow around daily issues that arose.
I also wanted to presume that people can manage their thoughts, triggers and words the way I would expect.
It has been painful for me to acknowledge that my normal is not everyone else’s. Not all the time. Not even that often.
I felt so betrayed by being fired and shamed by it that I suffered a month of living in a traumatised body. Couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat, was super sensitive, defensive and even argumentative. Mostly, just sad to my core.
I felt my trust in the goodness of others wane. Actually, it took a real battering.
Worse, I saw the real tripping stone was this: our limited capacity to convert our innate goodness into words and actions. Meaning: good people can do bad.
The barriers to good behaviour can be complex and debilitating. Especially when we just don’t know any other option. The goodness is not in question*, but gee the mud that covers up our light (and causes all the drama) is the place we can get stuck. It is the place that needs a pause, some attention and a healthy perspective.
Poor communication about who we are and what we expect from others is a regular cause of trauma, mistrust and disempowerment. Not just of others, but of our own abilities and blind spots.
In Yoga Therapy, clients might know where they want to get to in a relationship, but just don’t know the questions to ask or don’t have the practical experience to reassure them on their courageous path. The same buttons keep getting pressed unless we develop and transform ourselves a little.
So I hope to take with me a wider measuring device that lets others have their normal, and be their normal without it shocking and stupefying me.
Little reality checks like this can act as a reminder that our mind has its tendencies, that the ego has its ways.
The best we can do is treasure those we love and connect with them often. Because when a disconnect happens, woah! the ground can surely shake and we need to hold the hand of those we trust, even if it is our own.
Ultimately it is your own heart that gives reassurance and clarity, so feed the reservoirs of self trust, self love and heart-listening as often as you can. (The Three Treasures breath practice is foundational and perfect for this)
I send a big thank you to all those beautiful yoga teachers and sweet souls who offered their grounding support at that time.
Of course, we don’t just leave the year behind. The experience of rupture and repair come along into the new year, which can be the place for insight and healing.
They say that meditation makes us comfortable with the uncomfortable and secure in the insecure. A daily meditation practice means more bandwidth to feel less stuck or indignant when expectations are unmet.
May all being be happy.
Katie
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*In the yogic approach one relates to the atman or perfect essence in each other, while still acknowledging the kleisha or obstacles.