At the conclusion of tonight’s meditation practice Sam said: “Sometimes we can’t even be honest with ourselves, because there is too much pressure.”
Meditation gives us freedom. The freedom to be honest.
I asked myself “What in the next moment would lack honesty?”
I imagined the next few moments. I would depart from the meditation practice. I’d open the door to the rest of the family home and face the imposition of the kitchen bench, the lounge room floor, children not yet in bed, my husband’s face: all objects requiring my attention.
Each of the likely things I would interact with felt very clearly like a mechanical moment seeped in the residue of the past. Lacking any presence, the familiarity would stifle the aliveness I’d been in contact with as I sat in stillness and silence.
It seemed the world was teeming with unwelcome detractors from my inner calm.
So I go ahead and leave the meditation space. As I enter my home, and what it ultimately my life, I feel myself unconsciously robed in layers of old expectation. The habit weighs on me and limits my free movement, my view, my ability to respond in fresh ways.
Momentarily it seems these force that dull my senses are something external. They come from the outside and are pushed onto me from the home and people in it.
But meditation is a portal to insight and that insight tells me: the limitation exists in my thoughts and my heart, not out there in house or husband. And what of the question of honesty?I know honesty because I feel honesty. It is a clear feeling, an open feeling. Neither holding anything in or pushing anything away. These layers of past assumptions, past movements and past words that limit me are honestly saying one thing: awaken!
My posture, my walk, my facial expression, my tone of voice are all free: wild, impromptu, open to the flow of life that I actually feel through meditation. I could dance, smile, open the back door to the cool night air, sing in companionship with the moon. I could be inspired or curl in a ball and cry my depths out.
But we are creatures of habit in our physical body, and of constancy to the ego in our socio-psychological realm. So there is not much room left for an open, spacious, free and expressive engagement with the living moment. One probably just tidies up a bit, says ‘I’m tired’ and goes to bed.
Acknowledging this is both sad and good.
What I can do now is have courage.
And I can trust.
And if I hold this sattvic inner space with some intimacy, then it more easily resonates with and radiates into daily life. This aliveness is not something to be done, it simply is a radiance that can no longer be covered over. I am not having to create, I simply open to life’s unpredictable and creative nature and let a little of the unknown flow.
Sam shared that the meditation, having matured over time, will also provide us the confidence we need to live our Dharma.
Meeting a heavily burdened moment and choosing to see possibilities is that confidence. Like a snake shedding its skin, I am a little exposed, but I am free. I allow myself time and kindness to grow into my shiny new ways.
Anchored with my expansive, breathing body, the earth as it arises through me, and with the space around me as it is now felt, on fresh new senses, I am an invitation for honesty.
The bare truth of things just as they are.
A new light is shone on the kitchen mess which never looked so beautiful or felt so appreciated. I see a glow of possibility around my husband’s form as he greets me.
~~~
I write this in thanks to my teacher, Samantha Coker-Godson and the growing sangha of Dharma Circle human beings who regularly meet in weekly meditation. And I write in the hope that there is something here for you.
So I invite you to notice, after some time of repose, does the return to life feel like a pressure to put on the worn and familiar habits? Honesty and some keen interest can help us interact with each new moment in fresh and refreshing ways. And it can arise within us by simply being with the breath - “it will give you space and insight” - and the rest will follow.